Surgery Tomorrow

It weird that I started this as more of a sounding board for me. Somewhere that I could kind of reflect on my past, and focus on my future.
I haven't posted at all for nearly a year. Guess my plan didn't work so much.

I decided yesterday that I would use it as my journal for this surgery I am having tomorrow.
Let me start out by saying I am FREAKING out. Seriously, I have never ever been this nervous, or panicky over anything in my entire life. I honestly can't even be excited for any part of it. Its not like having a baby- where you are nervous, but the excitement is far more. The reward at the end is a huge blessing. This surgery? I 'might' not have anymore tailbone pain after healing for how many months??? UGH.
I am contemplating canceling this. I have dealt with the pain for 2 yrs... what's a lifetime more? Ha. Can we say cynical?

Yep, I have had tailbone pain for almost 2 yrs now. I have been to 4 different doctors. I have had 2 MRI's, numerous x-rays, and even a steroid shot under x-ray. I was told yes, your last coccyx is facing up, instead of curved down- but there is nothing we can do. Well about 2 weeks ago, I had severe pain on the surface. It wasn't deep in the bones like usual. I made an appt to go to the doctor, thinking NOW what is wrong. Low and behold, he says you have a cyst. First reaction, OH NICE... something else is wrong. Second reaction, that is disgusting... little did I know how disgusting it really is.

That doctor sends me to a surgeon. This cyst HAS to be removed soon. He thinks maybe this has actually been the problem this whole time! So why didn't it show up on the MRI's, or the xrays? Because apparently its not visible on this stuff? The surgeon says OH yep that is what it is. And yes, this definitely could be the culprit to all my pain. Let's get it out.

Now is the fun part. Nope, not at all fun. I get to go in tomorrow for the surgery.
Like I said earlier- I am totally freaking out. I am at work, and I cannot concentrate. What if I die? What if I get some staph infection and it eats my skin? What if I don't heal right?
I have to have faith, right? I have to KNOW that it isn't my time to go, that God will keep me safe, that He will help heal my body fast. I HAVE to know this... but where is my faith in this? How come everyone else can lean on God so easily, and I can't? How come others can know in their heart that God is with them, and I still question this?

My next post will be what this cyst is... its totally disgusting, I am warning you now.
I am embarrassed by this... but hey we all have strange things happen. I am just making mine public- you never know who might read this, and maybe they have the same thing?

Starting Over...

Last night as I was laying in bed trying to sleep, I realized that I don't want to have my past written here. I don't want to dwell on it anymore. I am going to live for today and for the future.

My life now is what I have made it. I didn't have the best childhood, but really who did? Everyone has their skeletons, why do I have to act like my life was so much worse then someone else's? It doesn't matter really... not anymore. What matters now is just that now... my kids, my husband and my friends.

So sorry to anyone that was actually reading my blog and my poor sob story, and woe is me. :) I am done with that. For good. Its time to move on... and here we go.